Out of insecurity of who might be reading this blog, I am going to clarify that this blog is my half-assed excuse of having a semi-private journal. It now serves a purpose as a rant-magnet or a thoughtful ponder place for me… having a screen to type is definitely nice.
Today started off with me waking up from guest room at Mush’s place, courtesy of those kind dwellers of that apartment, and heading straight to my subcollege’s advising office to petition a withdrawal for one of my upper-div classes. This quarter had been riddled with conflicting expectations and beliefs clinging in my heart but I finally managed to get back on track with living in the human world.
The previous Sunday I requested to spend some time after the college fellowship time (directly after combined service for us here) with the youth/college pastor to help me externally process the gunk inside me. After talking to him, I discovered that I was holding onto to extreme expectations that demanded a twisted (albeit not completely) image of perfection as an end result; this in turn conflicted with my beliefs of how impossible for me to be completely perfect and therefore caused me to reason that the most optimal solution was to escape the lack of resolve (when I did not get overwhelmed). Surprise, surprise - crap happens and human attributes/limitations must be learned as we walk this earth. Since being relieved of the burden of expecting my image of impossible perfection I’ve felt much more comfortable with risking a wrong step in life if it meant being humbled and redirected by the God who loves and is.
Anyhow, today continued and it was refreshing to have the 11:00 meeting for my independent studies session with a bud of mine and a very loving TA, as I no longer carried the burden of the class I had dropped. The only thing left was to learn without having to be concerned about grade! As much of a knowledgeable and nice guy the professor is, I wasn’t and won’t be learning very much in his class being that I have fallen too far behind and no longer care for it anymore. The good news is that not only will the withdrawal work out for my future plans… other professors who teach this class will use a textbook worth keeping even post-graduation instead of an expensive book with a two-star rating on Amazon. A reliable and bright friend, who is a year ahead of me in the same major I am declared under, told me that the other professors were more suited for actually teaching the subject.
A short praise session concluded my time at Baskin Engineering, and after my friend, TA, and I finished talking to a college-visiting dad and son about fellowships on campus (very timely), we proceeded to go to the bookstore to get Korean BBQ from the KCCC fellowship’s missions fundraiser. Delicious!
I ate with my bud and TA and we just kinda chilled around for a bit, enjoying the rare opportunity to savor some sort of legit Asian dish here in Santa Cruz. After both of them left to continue their days, I stayed with the KCCC guys so I could catch a glimpse of my buddy Abe, whom I had met as a freshman last year.
Man, how things change and yet stay so similar! I consider Abe and myself to be very similar people when it comes to leading a praise team. Both of us met one another as a worship leader and enjoyed quite a bit of jamming but each ended up choosing different fellowships… and now are both worship team leaders. It was great catching up with him, albeit slowly. To have someone in similar shoes is definitely great. Hopefully we’ll be able to make something musical happen together sometime soon!
Anyways, I write most of the stuff in here because they were somewhat memorable. The rest of the day was spent waiting for Abe again and singing with a guy named Justin, apparently one of the founding members of the Acquire Acapella group (That was pretty cool), and chilling in Abe’s lecture so I could read up for my class. The loving TA was actually leading sections for the class I’m taking this quarter too, so it helped me smack the homework for CS17 this week into its place easily.
If anything… God, I pray that I don’t lose sight of who I am as a human. I strive to be like you but suffer from the nuances of the flesh… who You are is not who I am right now, or will fully ever be. But let me walk hand in hand with You, and although there’s a lot of tripping and face-planting involved as I learn how to walk on the feet you’ve given me momentarily, give me the heart to find your truth and ultimately You, Who Is.