It’s been…
…quite on the heltzer-skeltzer - I still constantly forget how scatter-hearted being a human Christian is. There’s a lot of good reason for doubt in this age. At least, consumerism, materialism, and skepticism say so. I feel that all three of those lifestyles are integrated in a big jumble for quite a few of us in this generation. The perceived “needs” portrayed by countless images and ideals surrounding this American culture are pretty much drilled into our brains; they are then leaked into our own ideals and thus displayed by our lifestyles. I’m not excluded from here.
Ever since obtaining my license I’ve wanted some kind of stick-shift performance car (preferably driftable… like a 240SX or a Lexus IS) that I could take for a fun drive at some track. It would definitely be a passion I could have: to learn to drive it, to learn to drift it, and to learn to maintain it. I realize people with actual driving experience will probably laugh at me but this would be one of my childhood dreams. For a few months I thought that living this dream would be able to distract me from my other humanly desires, but as I drove back today I realized this wouldn’t be the case. A car cannot talk to me or ride the car with me. A car cannot cheer me on when I’m feeling like crap. And frankly, I don’t “need” a performance car to be filled.
This car is all part of my wishful thinking - I’m pretty spoiled and I don’t even have a job yet. Material wise I’m drowning in stuff I’ve wanted and now don’t even touch - toys cars, military miniatures, all sorts of LEGOs, Hot Wheels, Matchbox, stuffed animals… you name it. If toys were the only things kids loved I would’ve been the king of my elementary school. Nowadays, I crave attention more than anything - not necessarily be popular, but to be able to have some source of constant attention. To maybe be in the presence of people who love and understand me well. To maybe be in the presence of people who will ask me of my struggles and encourage. Or even better, to struggle with me. Yeah, I’m that demanding lol.
Yet at the end of the day the phrase “just go and pray/talk to God” comes back to my head. I mean it’s only right tell that to a person who has struggles that are out of your own power, right? My question now is, “Is it wrong to want a human to be by your side to struggle with you?” I keep thinking about the appeals of companionship and it certainly outweighs the daily blindings I cause myself. Yet the more I think about this the more I feel discouraged, and somewhat lonesome. Perhaps my friend was right when she told me that I’m thinking about myself too much. But I still feel uneasy just to not think of myself and not know who I am all of a sudden.
I’ll just keep praying and do my best to serve, looking forward to CCIC Youth Retreat! The best I can do is carry on and not think how inadequate I am. I mean, it’s not exactly my own kingdom that I should be trying to build.
