I don't always catch what life throws at me..

YEEEE BUDDY

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 23:32:38 -0500

YEEEE BUDDY

Overthinking

Sat, 15 Dec 2012 02:09:31 -0500

The more you invest in an idea, the more attached you become to it.

The more attached you are to it, the more desire you have for it and expectations follow shortly after.

When the day comes for a reality check, it will pain you to realize that all of this must be demolished to move on properly.

Overthinking tends to cause that process unnecessarily.

Wanderlust

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 14:23:00 -0500

As I was failing my physics final exam today, I noticed how easily subdued I am to novel ideas of beginning anew, and how I am reluctant to stay in an identity to which I can call home.

Unsurprisingly, this causes both my mind and heart to wander frequently - interests, people, disciplines, and so forth. I make countless temporary homes because it’s always easier to start anew than it is to fix a faulty foundation in which I’ve built upon and heavily reinforced already. My initial philosophy was that because I would not be accepted in a social setting unless if I had changed to suit their ways, it was pointless to hold onto things and build upon them. I remember many of the voices (true or not) that accounted to this:

You were only cool if you played Blue/Red version in elementary school. Sarcasm and the mentions of others’ pains and failures are what is funny. Everyone likes this one kid and picks on me, and I don’t know why. Girls that you like don’t ever get romantically attracted to you back unless you fit their image of romance. My ignorance is a source of entertainment. Attention will only be given to you if you speak up.

I understand that that was a mixed bag of situations. I mean, holding unrealistic ideals on romantic relationships leads to ideal circumstances not happening because… well they are unrealistic. And coolness of course, is relative to perspective. Unfortunately most of the time, each of us possess only a single perspective, and that is ours. Even when we do claim to possess others’ perspectives, it will of course be guided from our own scope and mental filters.

That said, the point here is that it’s evident that I have a problem in disciplining my mind and heart in my individual interests - I’ve tried to adjust to all of those voices before. I’ve come a long way to consider my own interests as stupid, unrealistic, or uncool because of how I received the input of others. My longing to know what is right and good in situations became mixed the wrong way with what approval meant to me.

I’d like to imagine that children learn by positive or negative feedback from parents - something painful to signify that it is wrong, something rewarding when something good is done. Growing up, I remember how much I tried avoiding the painful moments and how much good was dulled to me with compliments that I was showered with when I was raised by my excessively generous grandparents. I remember how much I tried working to get my father’s approval by trying to adjust my interests to fit his, just so that I could receive a hard-earned compliment of approval from him instead of being yelled at for doing something stupid when I didn’t understand what was the proper action.

It added up pretty badly… I shrugged off compliments from people when I actually did something good because I would think about how meaningless compliments seemed (being told “you’re amazing” gets old and desensitizing when it’s said as though it’s your name by your grandparents), and whenever my dad actually told me what TO do, I would have a hard time listening because it was rushed and I feared that by telling him I was unable to comprehend his explanations that I would be called stupid. This mentality turned into a habit that plagues me when I should be asking questions related to class or anything policy related and whatnot. It doesn’t help that policies seems to work in a similar way where one becomes prosecuted for wronging it, because what’s proper by its definition is assumed to be known. From all of this, my head allowed the voice of failure come out to be louder than the voice of approval. An obviously painful mentality to have.

Thus I began to embrace the idea of starting anew on various things. A beginning student is usually much less harshly criticized than a student who’s been in a field already (“I can’t believe you didn’t know ____” or “you should’ve studied this by now, haha!”). I also believed that the amount of attention that people gave me anyways was never long enough to see how much depth I actually hold, because no one cares about that. The idea of starting new things all the time truly seemed like the best way to go; dedication as I knew it seemed rather fruitless.

This all needs to change, of course. Dedication & Discipline come hand to hand with Faith & Foundation even outside of a religious circle. I cannot keep ejecting myself out of the cockpit because of failure.

I wander because I fear that a certain direction or way won’t be right, and I fear not being right because of the scorn that is associated with being wrong. I cannot accept the pain of being wrong because I had believed I would lose people’s approval for me, and thus no one would let me (or even want let me) know that I am right, and because of that I will be lonely for I am unaccepted by the ones I wish to be accepted by at the moment.

Geez, I’ve been drowning in a vicious cycle. But since failing the final coming up in 30 minutes will be the last straw, I’ll suck it up.

To be willing to accept myself for where I am at, yet be willing to accept others for where they are...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 16:38:00 -0500

To be willing to accept myself for where I am at,

yet be willing to accept others for where they are at.

To accept things I see as they come,

yet have the hope to change it for the better and know I could be wrong.

To hold good standards and expectations,

yet not making over-expectations my standard.

To always be listening and caring towards people,

but know that my ears are part of a body that must be fed as well.

God, show me how to love others as we love ourselves. Show me how to be patient with myself and my iniquities, to accept them as faults but never allow it to extinguish the hope of Your redemption of us, which I hold with fragility. Let me not bind myself to the expectations that spawn my insecurities, for it prevents me from doing good.

Father, you say that the fear of the Lord is the first step to wisdom. Humble me so that the walls I built up to blockade authority as a mental self-defense for my esteem are deconstructed; A new story is hard to write in a book that’s printed on all over already. Let me know what it means to fear you - it is not to just be afraid, but also to be in awe. After all, You have called us to be courageous as well.

Let my yes be yes, and let my no be no. Let me use my words to honor You and express where my heart is at so that I do not lie to myself nor others.

Show me how the spiritual, mental, and physical can meld into a symphony - I’ve been treating them so separately before and I wish to change. Compose me, for I do not know what my own melody to contribute is.

Words definitely cannot suffice in describing the awe I have for You. A sense of peace, relaxation, and that all is well overrides the tension in both my mind and heart when I think about where You have brought me thus far.

Having an exploring imagination and a firm grip of reality are things that must go hand in hand. The...

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 04:09:42 -0500

Having an exploring imagination and a firm grip of reality are things that must go hand in hand. The basic idea is that without imagination, how we understand reality might not be further advanced. But when one becomes so absorbed in imaginative ideals and beliefs that reality is neglected, the imaginations will usually not be realized (if at all) in a beneficial way and reality itself becomes a contorted image of what we prefer reality to be.

I am sure that most people do have a preferred state of being; if not, then why would we seek change?

As it is I’ve been finding out there’s a lot of reality I’ve purposely cut off from as a price for the sake of my own happiness:

I do not want to ask a question in class, because I am afraid of being judged for not having a better ability to learn. Besides, I feel that I do not deserve to ask.

I do not want to fail a class, because I believe life will suck if I fall behind my peers and people might say I have neglected a blessing given to me.

A lot of the fears come for predictive thinking, an imagination of sorts that’s a product of how we’ve understood reality thus far. I mean, I really shouldn’t have to be so afraid to ask my teacher for help no matter how behind in class I am - materialistically speaking he’s being paid to teach us and help us learn, and I should take advantage of that. My sense of undeserving also comes from the belief that I am an academic failure of sorts, given my past history of screwing up classes… when in reality it’s because I haven’t learned to allocate my time properly, work towards controlling my mind better, and becoming more disciplined. Instead, I took that time to tell myself that I am a failure and that I am not worth anything.

Not only is this inefficient, this is untrue and unlinked to reality. There are people who invest in me and I know from experience that I can work hard and work well, that I can concentrate and do critical thinking, and that I can love and be dedicated. The problem though, is that I don’t know what I should do in relativity to reality - I’ve been sheltered from it and have sheltered myself from it. I am unsure of how to take things as they are, and therefore unsure of how to respond. Or so I imagine myself to be.

It hurts my head to think about the fact that there are so many disputes of what reality is >.>

There’s an honest part of me, but ‘cause of insecurities it’s buried under the...

Thu, 22 Nov 2012 23:55:00 -0500

There’s an honest part of me, but ‘cause of insecurities

it’s buried under the cover of a mask, yet sincerity

ran in both sides, so clarity crashed, all muddled

to know what I truly wanted became ever so subtle:

to be socially accepted, intellectually rejected

to know that I am loved yet different in my perspectives

I sought, to be wise but also, never denied

I fought, to be transparent, but held secrets inherent

to my deliberate, hypocritical, cynical way of thinking,

eventually divided behaviors, no longer linking,

my mindsets, so never got my mind to set

beating around the bush, excuses unrelenting

in defense, of my inconsistent behavior,

my way out of confrontations: “I’ll wait for my savior”

always banking on Jesus, but did I really believe in Him?

using Him only as a means to give cred to my reasons.

But a part of me really wanted to know Christ,

another one longed to have someone who wouldn’t fade from my life

a father figure to tell me that I’m becoming a man

a discerning mind engraved with wisdom to truly undestand

a strength that is determined but guided by wisdom in

knowing that your body’s a blessing on the world I’m in

being humble in the art of truly knowing my place

to know that I can carry on because that there’s actually grace.

But stop, can I be for reals, so that my wheels

came forged together as four, bonding harder than steel

so that my drive could be driven by a single ingnition

spirit, mind, body, and strength aligned to full precision?

The song itself is only 3:37 long.

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 22:11:00 -0500

BUT HERE’S A FULL ON VID.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKn18VbnPPc

One of the classes I’m taking this quarter is CMPS 101, a gateway upper-div class of sorts for...

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 17:22:00 -0500

One of the classes I’m taking this quarter is CMPS 101, a gateway upper-div class of sorts for CompSci majors, and the grading scheme is something like this:

Written HW: 5%
Programming Assignments: 35%
Midterm Exam 1: 15%
Midterm Exam 2: 15%
Final Exam: 30%

I walked away from my first midterm exam with a 47/100, determined to make the second midterm a comeback of sorts.

That never happened.

Today I walked back home after the midterm to write this post out of frustration as I am once again reminded of how confused I am with priorities.

I had known about this upcoming midterm but the way I handled it was quite bad. Friday I spent most of my time socializing at a wonderful potluck, on Saturday I went back home to spend some time with my little brother, on Sunday I worked to finish my physics homework. So I was pretty elated and pretty darn proud of myself to have finished a programming assignment without pulling an all-nighter on Sunday evening as well.

In any case, on Monday I tried to study but I just could not, so I vegged from 1PM till like 8PM and ended up playing Torchlight for 4 hours - at first it was just to relax the mind, but then I got so carried away on wanting to feel like accomplished something that I played on and on until I did. I jeopardized my midterm and possibly my future (as I know it) because I was too determined to level up my character so he could wear this cool-looking helmet.

Of course after any consecutive hours of gaming/visual media, one does get tired… and it was beyond frustrating to realize how many concepts I should’ve practiced and studied earlier on. It didn’t help to get an email from my TA saying I got a 68/100 on my last programming assignment because of a minor detail I had missed - it’s pretty much like going through the trouble to create an amazing birthday cake and have it trashed because you misspelled the recipient’s name by one letter on top of the carefully laid out frosting. It also didn’t help to realize that this WILL be happening to the program I turned in on Sunday - it works perfectly, it’s just that the surface level wasn’t implemented correctly. It made me furious to think that if the TA had sent the grading email a day earlier for our LAST program, THIS one would not have been jeopardized.

Programming being 35% of our grade currently keeps me afloat in CMPS101. But that is now being jeopardized… and I have two failed midterms. Assuming the worst, I would have an 80% in programming, 50% on both midterms, and 50% on homework. That totals up to be roughly 45.5/100, so to barely pass the class I would need to score a 100% on my final program, and an 83% on my final (probably more, who am I kidding - I probably got less than 50% on my second midterm). To think that I had intended to make this class a B or A… my expectations have certainly been broken down.

I am complaining about this problem because I fear disapproval on many levels:

I fear disapproval/shunning for not (through other’s eyes) fully engaging in the blessing of edumacation.
I fear disapproval for my lack of direction. I fear more however, everyone trying to give me one. At this point in time I hate being wrong because I’ve built up interior pride in what I do to compensate for all the times I’ve been rejected for being wrong in others’ eyes.
I fear being labelled as unreliable and undisciplined. Both hold true for academics thus far, even if I can be hardworking and technical.

I don’t know how much priority I really put into academics - I’m only here because this is where I’ve been brought to thus far from my limited understanding. I don’t want to be here in school to be labelled to enter a society where most of its denizens presume more assumptions upon you. I don’t want to be herald of such knowledge. I probably only stay in college because of the possibility I might walk out with someone who is suitable to share life with me. And being disapproved of lowers the percentage of chance for such an event.

There’s a lot of selfishness in the last paragraph but I don’t think that really changes the fact such thoughts exist. I want to be cared for by what I understand to be a close, nurturing individual - someone who understands that for the most part I still am a child. The manifestation of this longing is truly ironic - I am a child trying to fit in the shoes of an adult so that I might be able to find someone else who can take care of me as though I am a child.

I don’t know what it means to mature - I know it starts with understanding that such longings and gaps in one’s life exists, but what does one do with them? I seek “truth” because I don’t know where to place my foot next, and at this point it seems debatable on if I should find some way to alleviate my longings or if I should cut them off cold to separate myself from brokenness rather than have it be restored. So far I’ve understood that work needs to be done along with faith - but what work do I do? How do I find out? I’ve heard answers to both but I can never be sure. It’s so messy I suppose that’s why I hopped back into trying to reignite my childhood longings in hopes of finding what step I should take.

I’m such a childish and unrealistic person. I whine at reality and believe that my imaginations are the best, I beat myself up to convince myself that I am humble. What the hell am I doing here in college?

I’m only here to see if any of my heartfelt longings will be realized, with no intentions for what comes after.

My purpose is like debris floating in space only to be pulled by the next bigger source of gravity - but never wanting to fully join, unsure if this is where I want to stay.

It’s actually kind of sad how people and how many people...

Sat, 03 Nov 2012 20:02:00 -0400

It’s actually kind of sad how people and how many people died before the pilots of these two gundams finally realized that they were good friends forced into conflict by the hands of the politically loudest voices.

Voice #2

Sat, 03 Nov 2012 19:51:12 -0400

There is a continuum between doing something with the possibility of finding out if it’s right and being paralyzed in fear of discovering that it was definitely not the right thing (in the worst way possible, of course). I can only say this because I believe that good things are not always right.

From what I understand, there are good things such as intimacy, nourishment, and realizing imaginations. And of course there are wrong ways to get them - cheating on your partner, stealing from a food shelter, and realizing the imagination of a world without Jews. But alas, right seems to be such a relative term as well, once again exciting the question of “on what grounds shall I stand upon”?

What is “imperatively right” is thrown around all the time, and the loudest voice gets heard (or judged so very heavily, usually with good reason) amongst the chaos. And if we wish to express our goodwill and longing for finding what is truly good, conflict will ensue.

If one person’s “right” is to avoid something that is not your place to do and another person’s “right” is to be willing to risk, then there’s already conflict in beliefs. There is merit to both obviously, but to what degree in a given situation for each individual is usually unanticipated for me.

A part of me born out of realizing that Voice#1 could not be totally good was Voice#2 - seeking to do the right thing. The previous statement pretty much sums up what Voice#2 tells me, and my resulting movement is usually to do something half-assed: something that is neither risk-all or keep-all. Arguably, that is a lot worse than either. Most recently I become paralyzed instead, thinking that it’s better to just be a completely honest coward than a coward lying to himself and trying to cover his cowardice. That way, at least I acknowledge my cowardice right?

That question might just never be answered due to the muddles this voice#2 gives me. Voice#2, aren’t you the little pervert… of seeking truth and righteousness?

Voice #1

Sat, 03 Nov 2012 19:19:48 -0400

I used to give a lot more attention to others from a genuine curiosity of the other person, mixed with a selfish hope for finally getting the intimate companionship (not necessarily romantic) I longed for and being able to escape from the thoughts of how judged my past failures to do so properly were. Not that I don’t still do that, but after being convinced that maybe it would be a better direction to focus on myself and then reach out to others, I threw myself into another world of messy crap (and at this point I wonder, what isn’t? haha).

Surviving only seems appealing if it avoids the pains and suffering of hunger, the fear of death, or to live on because of a purpose and therefore we cannot die just yet.

To that merit I believe I am quite immature in the sense that many of my social relationships seem to be built off wanting to avoid judgement and disapproval so I could avoid the pain and suffering of my hunger to be held in the constant loving arms of someone who will have the patience to be there and understand me, and stay there when I reveal my monstrosities. As a disclaimer, I do love people and there are those who do all of the above. But by the circumstances of both life and reality, no one will ever be able to stay there to fill that role forever.

But how far has that hunger driven me? I still call upon things with the purpose of satisfying it no matter what I do; it manifests itself even though I throw countless distractions to it and try to pound the idea that it is my weakness and crime that such a problem should fall upon the hands of others. Yet it is my attempt to curb it that does end up hurting others anyways, and that brings me great pain… it leaves me in a place I am unsure of what to do any longer. I understand that if I numb this pain that perhaps I’d be numb enough to feel it no longer - but it is pain is also a receptor for detecting what is bad, and without knowing that good is even harder to attain. On the other hand should this pain take over, all my other receptors become dulled and will fall to this one amplified voice that will turn my life into an obsession of self-pity and neediness.

I’m saddened that all of this came to mind yet once again - it signifies the existence of this hunger in me, and it will stay so as long as I am honest with myself. I’d like to dismiss that statement as a self-fulfilling prophecy but I am unsure if that’s truly the case. This hunger has driven me to do many things I regret, because I selfishly enter into things thinking that “at last it might satisfy” to only come out the other end and realize “it’s not going to”. It’s driven me to use other people merely as a means to my own end - I’ll give Kant a few kudo points.

At this point I know that there is the reality (albeit somewhat subjective to perspective) in which we share and there are my own personal pains and hungers, and I believe that neither can be completely killed… not without ruining others or living my life as a lie, that is.

This is all but only a part of me, and to each their own complexities and struggles. A good man is decisive, but good decisions take understanding and wisdom, both which take time. And frankly, shit tends to hit the fan by the time of the clock and not by the time of our understanding.

I want to do something about it, but it’s only one of the culprits for the dissonant symphony of voices in my head. The movements play out to be both inelegant and unpleasing. Here’s to voice #1.

The art of journaling indeed helps with knowing thyself, however there is so much more to the...

Wed, 05 Sep 2012 05:33:00 -0400

The art of journaling indeed helps with knowing thyself, however there is so much more to the subject of what goodness is before I am able to move anywhere with this knowledge. Reconciliation in the realization of things is going to be difficult for old scars will become reopened as new wounds are created from that process itself, forgiveness is also asked from others upon forgotten or already forgiven subjects. And then there are those things nearly impossible for some people to forgive - ones that they pretend to not exist, ones that have been accumulating pain since the first heartbreak. Within all of this regret and guilt may attack the introspecting person (myself) at any given time, making the process even more difficult.

Only a fragment of the statement “truth hurts”.

Dammit!

Mon, 03 Sep 2012 06:44:27 -0400

I have to send my dad to the airport at 6:30 AM today.

I tried sleeping at 12:00.

It is now 3:43.

Stupid caffeine in green tea. You got me there.

It’s been hard cleaning my room - I have so many gifts that I never needed, and I have so much...

Wed, 22 Aug 2012 06:32:21 -0400

It’s been hard cleaning my room - I have so many gifts that I never needed, and I have so much stuff trying to transform me back into the person I was before. Confronting all the stuff I’ve collected is like confronting myself.

"Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have."

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 16:41:48 -0400

““Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have.””

- Doris Mortman (via quote-book)

YES I CAN ASK YOU STUFF NOW. Awesome. Anyway, just wanted to drop a thank you for writing out such interesting/encouraging/cool-stuff-in-general stuff. ((I'm totally not a creeper, mkay bye)) *runs

Sun, 12 Aug 2012 13:37:10 -0400

lollll!

August 10th, 3:27 AM

Fri, 10 Aug 2012 06:38:23 -0400

Consistently journaling has helped immensely.. I can recapture my thoughts and go through some deep introspection. It’s almost like, if not is, prayer.

Before you guys go thinking I’m wrong, consider -

In Hebrew, the word for prayer is tefilah. What does the word tefilah mean? There are two translations that are literal and accurate. The word tefilah comes from the word pellel which means “to judge.” Tefilah is a time of self-evaluation, self-judgment, introspection, when a person takes the time to focus on himself and goes within himself to see what it is that he needs, what it is that he is all about, what are his faults, what are his qualities, what is it that he needs from G-d, and why should G-d give it to him. This self-assessment process happens through tefilah. (Chabad.org)

There’s a lot of humility involved in here, and as my previous post elaborated, it’s easy to repress things out of pride and/or what we’ve come to understand our lifestyles to be. That said I think I’ve finally been able to make the decision to be somewhat formally trained in the musical crafts I have known for a while - guitar & vocals. This is going to be extremely exciting because music has long been something I’ve afraid to fully vocalize due to my insecurities in performing guitar and especially my singing voice. To have a teacher & mentor for this will help me stay humble for I will always be encouraged to advance & explore as opposed to the housekeeping I did with what I knew of music, out of fear of losing it. Prayer does allow one to target the fears that one’s courage needs to strike. Without God though, one would not know what to do with those insecurities and doubts that plague our every step… therefore prayer must abide in truth!

Insecurities

Fri, 27 Jul 2012 19:43:33 -0400

I just returned from BayUP, or Bay Area Urban Project (hosted by the InterVarsity Christian organization), yesterday around 5 PM or so.

There are so many things that I learned about during my six weeks there - the brokenness found in the food system, criminal legislation, human trafficking, views on immigration, racial assumptions, and the disregard of the natural environment. In this post I will actually not be speaking on any of these though, because it takes baby steps to recognize brokenness and even more so to give empathy to the victims of certain injustices; this post will highlight the beginning of my processing.

Brokenness is something that is usually easier to see in others than oneself, especially when the sense of entitlement is subtly encouraged (I worked hard, therefore I deserved this money, so this shirt I bought is mine even if I lend it out). Brokenness is also something a lot easier to see when you have a better idea of what it means to be whole.

It’s taken me quite a few years to realize that I have many repressed insecurities that I never dealt with. Part of accepting Christ is acknowledging our brokenness as humans and understanding that we need not hold ourselves to it because of what the truth dictates. A part of loving Christ is to love others as you love oneself. This then begged the question: “Did I ever acknowledge how I am broken?”

This isn’t so much a pity-fest as it is to reconcile with the insidious gunk built up in my past and repressed for years so that I might actually begin to love/agape myself. I’m also learning that it’s not about forgetting about my past to be “born anew” but instead say: “This is who I am, and this is what will die as I give myself to You.” Two quite different statements.

On Wednesday I played basketball in the afternoon at the School of Urban Mission’s awesome court for roughly and hour and thirty minutes. My goal was intercept any immediate thoughts that came up and then reflect upon it; this was a lot more revealing that I had anticipated and I do think some healing/reconciling with who I am came out of it. Hopefully by showing what I picked up might encourage others to be somewhat critical and conscious of the self as well:

Picking up the ball:

As I held it up I thought to myself, What are other people thinking of me for doing this, to spend some alone time processing out in the open? I hope they don’t think any less of me.

Shooting around, making mistakes:

I noticed that my number one priority at this point was to cover up my mistakes somewhat gracefully, so that I could believe that everything I did was cool and thus somewhat avoid criticism or teasing. My focus was no longer on trying to improve my skill - it was on trying to fit in with whatever implied archetypes people around me imposed so that I could avoid conflict. A struggle to ignore these thoughts came up.

Breaking the barrier:

I got past the fear period, but things didn’t get any better. After making a few consistent shots and feeling more confident, I finally could remove myself from being too concerned of what people thought of me playing basketball. However, I began to get frustrated at myself when I couldn’t make shots - a sense of entitlement stirred within me, and my mind began to convince itself that if I couldn’t be the best than I am basically worthless. This roots my desperate drive to complete a project - to prove myself worthy in this moment lest I repress it and forget about it.

Coming out of this I think I’m able to step further into knowing and accepting myself for who I am and what I might be worth with these hints: I’m able to peek into my past to see where it might come from, pick at the repressed memories and affirm the brokenness in them so that I might be at peace with it. Granted some will take longer than others, but they’ll still come. If anything, it’ll free my mind and heart onto greater things. I’d like to thank God that my existence somehow ended up in a place where I got the space to see this.

The relationship of truth, thinking, and grace.

Mon, 04 Jun 2012 03:58:00 -0400

Sorting these three is of utmost inconvenience for those who lean more on a “P” (Myers Briggs) like me; I understand that for more “T” and “J” types the art of classification and other mental organization preferences make this seem like a rather straightforward process - I think otherwise.

Hear me out though, for as a “P” I tend to linger on possibilities more than trying to “set things straight”. As a disclaimer this is simply some understanding I have so far.

I believe the relationship of these three things require the best of both “P” and “J” attributes, and is as follows:

1) Truth - A universal constant (or even outside, like God) in which we cannot change and will exist no matter what we think or do.

2) Thinking - Philosophy, or otherwise our mode of thinking in which affects our knowledge intake and how they transform from beliefs to actions.

3) Grace - God’s splendor and elegance which includes His righteousness and love hand-to-hand in such a way we as humans cannot simply fathom, and the cause of us being able to share in God’s will at all.

This particular exploration will be taking a look at how different types of thinking may contribute or take away from another. Please read this with a grain of salt as I speak only from my experience and can only vow my attempt at being objective. Neither am I a Psychology major or an expert of collective thinking. Most of all, should this not advance the kingdom of God at all then these series of posts will be for naught. I will be reflecting over each topic for a little bit over the next course of days.

Dancing

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 14:40:00 -0400

It is somewhat well-known by now that I myself cannot stand dancing in free-going manner where I am basically pumping my body all over the place. I am thankful for my friends to not force my hand into such dancing because there are reasons which I choose to be more withheld.

I never really enjoyed giving an outburst of energy to music I do not particularly admire (I want to say respect but that’d be a little misleading) and in my head I have kind of attached lyricism to musicianship. There is still a part of me that wishes not to conform to the music I despised much earlier in life: Since junior high the only reason I ever had danced was either because it was for a special someone, or I was caught in the hype and in fact wished not to be judged that I did not wish to dance. Around the same time I was learning about how lyrics in a music greatly alter the meaning and what the subconscious absorbs by listening to it.

To those of you with selective hearing and are able to simply absorb the beat and rhythms while suppressing the lyrics, kudos to you, but I cannot say I share the same ability. In fact I choose not to because I prefer to absorb songs for what they are, and if I do not like what I make them to stand for, then they will not become a favorite song. I will admit on this very page though that my bias leans on how mainstream a song is and how many people are swayed by its charms. So if you see me feel more comfortable dancing to one song than the other, my selectiveness of acceptance is why!

Therefore I do not grill on dancing itself. I actually believe dancing to be a wonderful art of expression and technicality which came from a subculture of dancing for fun, and any artist who can utilize this medium well has my acknowledgement. It is also extremely connected to music for rejoicing purposes and telling a story over a multicultural scope.

In fact, I can respect parts of the songs many people dance to such as the basic rhythm, rapping, or vocal technicalities. I just don’t know how much commitment I wish to put into it with my body when it’s not what I wish to express.